| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|09:02 pm] |
Here's an older entry that I just found from a previous journal:
[Jun. 5th, 2005|11:48 pm}
So I was stuck at airports for twelve hours today. Not fun. After waiting in Panama City airport for five hours I had finally got on an airplane to Atlanta. I was seated next to this man with an extremely heavy british accent. At first I was kind of annoyed, because he cursed a lot and talked about alcohol and kept repeating words like "bloke". He told me how he builds pools and how back in 1984 he built John Travolta's pool. "It was bloody fantastic." he said. But I thought it was funny how he could tell deep down something was bothering me. "Your drawing a lot on that newspaper, darling...what's on your mind?" he would ask in a cliche voice. "Nothing". He assumed it was a boy so he asked about it. I finally confessed my story and he told me that he was a dirty bastard and that anyone with my face could do a lot better. But then he told me his story and I don't think I'll ever forget it. He said "Girl, My name is Gary Sid of Manchester, England and I'm forty years old. I loved a woman for sixteen years. I helped her raise her two boys....one of them ended up gay and the other butch. And then eight months ago she jumps in a bed with a bastard karate instructor. Sixteen years. I loved every moment of it."
I remember being intrigued "But how, did you forget her?".
He replied half smiling, "I'll never forget her, but I refuse to go back. We will stay friends. It won't ever be the same. But I can't go back. Don't ever try to go back".
That wasn't the answer I wanted. "But, but how do you just breathe again without thinking of her?"
"Well" he said. "The first breaths are hard. But eventually, you will start breathing again". he sighed. " So the prick actually fucked you up over the phone?"
I kind of laughed. "Yea, can you believe that?"
He shook his head. "Nasty bastard. Gee me, what a prick."
I nodded.
He went on. "And took some other girl to that dance? What a fucking asshole."
I kind of laughed. "Yea it's silly that I'm all heart broken over this. I mean you were with her for sixteen years."
"Heartbreak is heartbreak my pretty little friend." he held my hand. "You'll be okay, your strong....I know it....just remember to breathe.....you have a gorgeous face....trust me you'll be fine.....just stand your ground....be tough....be strong.."
I nodded. Gosh how could a man who spends most of his time in pubs be so enlightening?
"We will meet again..and when we do you'll be happy. We'll meet by destiny on October 6th at a place called AJ's."
I just nodded again and said goodbye. October 6th of what year? And who is AJ? And how do you know I'll be happy? How are we ever going to meet again when you live in England and I have no plans for traveling overseas?
I couldn't it believe when we parted. This guy whom I had never met until now, just made me feel so much better. Freaking sixteen years. That's my whole life. And he will never be with her again. And he learned to be okay with it. SIXTEEN YEARS. I can't get over it. I don't understand how people do it. When you care about someone that much. When you spend everyday with them. When they tell you they just don't want to be with you anymore after SIXTEEN YEARS. I just can't comprehend people getting on without that person. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|10:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Watch Me Shine-Joanna Pacitti | ] |
PEEK-A-BOO!
The End. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|10:11 pm] |
I'm miserable. I don't know how else to describe it. I try SO hard to make an effort. So hard to look on the bright side. So hard to just be happy. But I just can't. I'm alone. Just alone, and no one is there no matter what they say. My family only cares about themselves and I never minded before because I never needed anyone. They're so selfish and maybe I am too but, what's the point in even having a family if they aren't even there when you need them? And there's all my dozens of friends that are concerned about me. Oh yea, that's right. I gave them up for one person. I gave it all up for one person. One person who did nothing but give up on me. I don't know how much more I can take. I've never had to be alone before. There use to always be someone or anyone. But now there's just not. No matter anyone says. There's just not. I don't think there has been a day in three months that I havn't cried. A time where I have slept the whole night. A meal I have finished eating. You can't make people care. But I need someone to. Anyone. This is ridiculous. People aren't supposed to be alone. God would have put us on this Earth alone if he wanted us to be alone. I use to be just ridiculously happy all the time. And now I'm bitter and cynical and just mad at everything. I don't understand what I did that could be that wrong. I did nothing more than what he did and he still has his smile. I just wan't my life back. Is that so much to ask? I want to be happy for atleast a day. I want to invite a group of friends over and just stay up all night laughing at inside jokes. I want to go on a trip and not have to worry about anything. I want my family to just sit down at the dinner table and be able to stand eachother. I want my mom to talk to my dad without yelling. I want people to appreciate me. I want people to care about me.
I just want people to know I'm still here. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2005|08:53 pm] |
|
Sensibility-Mental or emotional responsiveness toward something, such as the feelings of another. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2005|12:43 pm] |
Misunderstood by so many, content was what she was called.
Mistaken for happy and stable, misjudged for quiet by all.
Hidden behind her cherry lips that were thought could not speak,
lay a red secret that haunts her thoughts, forcing this strong girl to be weak.
The smile leaves her face, deep inside where every word is being said.
Where she is screaming and begging for all of the torture to finally leave her head.
As ruby as the secret she keeps, as crimson as the blood that flows through her veins.
She cries everynight though no one can hear her, praying and pleading to forget all her pain.
No one bothers to think anything is hidden, nor do they question anything is wrong.
So her only refuge is herself,
if they only knew what has been tormenting her for so long.
As her rosie tears fall to the ground, she weeps for someone to hear her call.
But she's stuck in a world of oblivion where no one thinks this girl can fall.
So in her rouge world where she's all by herself, she so quietly behaves.
While her inside she screams at the top of their lungs, she softly waits to be saved. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2005|07:59 pm] |
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Sown together but so broken up inside..... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2005|09:58 am] |
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Cooper: I had to let it all go. The feeling that, I wasn't good enough for her and how much I resented the that she wanted things besides me. I mean it wasn't fair to her. Hell, I wasn't going to give up racing for her.
Nathan: I would have. I mean given up basketball for Haley. I kind of did.
Cooper: You think maybe that was the reason she left? I mean when you met her, would you have given it up then?
Nathan: No, probably not.
Cooper: Maybe your just not the person she fell in love with anymore. Maybe she's not the person you thought she was. Look I'm not saying this to hurt you. But, it's just people change, you know?
Nathan: So, I mean after she left you was there ever a say when it felt better?
Cooper: Sure, followed by a day when it felt worse, I mean that's just the way it goes. Look, love is a pretty great thing. Maybe it's the greatest. But it's got to be true love. For the both of you.
Nathan: What if it was? What if it still is?
Cooper: Well if it still is you fight like hell for it. But the harder question is, what if it wasn't? Trust me, that one's a bitch. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|07:18 pm] |
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I feel like I should have been dead days ago. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|12:24 pm] |
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH |
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